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My Grandfathers Ferret

Possibly by Derek Jolly?

My grandfather’s ferret was a beast of little merit
What lived out the back in a cage
If you peered through the bars you’d see eyes like little stars
All a-glimmer with impotent rage
The smell it gave off made you splutter gasp and cough
And its habits were exceedingly gross
For it bit off anything it could reach if you stood too close

Now when that ferret needed feeding someone always came in bleeding
Or looking just as white as a sheet
And if you opened up the door it was all out bloody war
And that ferret was dead fast on its feet
It would go for your throat through two mufflers and a coat
Or savage a finger or two
Then it would sit back with a satisfied little smirk
Like Wellington after Waterloo

One day my Aunty May went to feed the thing some hay
By poking it in through the wire
But the beast thought that meat would be more of a treat
And with speed that you had to admire
Clamped its teeth round her digit and went absolutely rigid
Aunty May nearly went out of her mind
Then the daft cow opened up the door
To try to attack it from behind

But when that ferret saw she had opened up the door
It was out and upon her in a flash
With a shriek of success it went streaking up her dress
Aunty May wished she’d never been so rash
With its nasty little teeth it bit her underneath
In between, round behind and up the back
Now my Aunt May has never smiled
And neither has my poor old Uncle Jack!